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By Dominick Mezzapesa - Wildlife Planet
I am not sure why i am writing this out in the open, all i know is I must because I wanted the world to know how much my family sacraficed for me and how I failed them.
To my family,
Safe to say you know how much I love animals and when I started Wildlife Planet it was more hobby than a job. But as I was writing my first pages you saw how it tore me up inside when I started reporting on places like Yulin and you knew if I ever went there I would never come back alive but, a whole bunch of those sick eating dog bastards would have been joining me.
Early this year after the place I was working shut down, I came to you and told you my plan to not go and get a new job, but to just work on Wildlife Planet and it would take time to get off the ground.
I told you I thought I could make some money with things like Adsense and Amazon ads and it won't be for awhile and it certainly won't be much because it would take time to build up an audience but it would be enough to keep us going.
Knowing me and how hard I work and more importantly knowing I would never rest when I am fixated on accomplising something everyone said it go for it, it wouldn't be a problem.
For years my family would see me each fall outside building shelters for any stray cats in the neiborhood, you joked how I installed heat in these little bungalows and they were warmer than our house.
You saw me rushing home because Billy Bob the stray cat always came around at 6pm sharp and I would be upset because it was 5:59 and I was still 10 minutes away.
So when I said I wanted to go all in on Wildlife Planet I didn't really have to explain why I was doing it, but you never signed up for being broke, or going without Christmas.
You would be shocked to know last night I cried my eyes out for probably the first time in 40 years. I cried because I knew you said it was Ok but my heart ached because I felt miserable that everyone works their ass off and I swore that by this time the site would be doing well and the ad money would pay a few bills and now it is clear that it took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I know you never thought we would be rich because I hate money and if I saw someone with an animal that needed some operation i would be paying the whole thing and you would smile and laugh and call me stupid but you would never be mad because you all understand it's not something I wanted to do rather I needed to do because helping someone in need was like breathing it's just something I do without even thinking.
To my children and grandchildren you may not understand why I didn't get you a present this year for Christmas and this won't explain anything today but as you grow up and read this it'll make more sense as to who I am, in case I am not here when you are old enough to understand.
My childhood was a mess, my father whom I loved very much, beat me almost everyday. It was a time when hitting your kids was normal, and it was way before any knew what ADD was, beyond the 2+2 meaning. Worse, I had ADHD and there is nothing worse than a 7 year old whose leg is bounceing like my sneaker had a spring attached to it.
Today I understand how mad it must have made my hot blooded Italian dad. Today I understand why he exploded when the water glasses started falling all over the dinner table because I was shaking the room and after telling me ten times to stop, the 11th time I got an ass whippin.
Your Great Grandfather told me just a few years ago "I am sorry I hit you" and I laughed because I told your great grand father that it was fine. In fact if I had to do it over I would because I told him you can't possibly understand how many lives you affected.
I told your great grandfather that as a child sobbing in bed after that nights beating I would be lying on my bed crying my eyes out, like any kid would be, but after every beating I swore I would never do this to my kid and I would never let anyone harm a women, a child or an animal. So my drive comes from always making good on that sobbing 7-year-old little boys promise.
I told your greart grandfather that if all those women I saved from a crazy boyfriend, or stepping in when I saw a father having the same look you did and knowing this father was about to give his son a slap, or the countless animals I built homes for or fed every night, if all those lives I saved or just help meant I had to go through a little pain as a kid, it was 100% worth it and I would do it all over again because in the end what you did, saved people and while it wasn't perfect and nobody would plan something like that in the end, however I got here it was all worth it.
But after all the explaining he couldn't see past "I hit my son and I am sorry"
I hope that explains where my passion comes from, it's in me and there is nothing I can do about it because I can't let that crying little boy down. I know it won't amount to anything now because as a child you see the world as I do a website vs a Christmas present and I really wanted to get you something for Christmas and I failed you and I failed myself because I should have just gotten a job but one day turned into the next and all of a sudden it's 2 weeks from Christmas and I have niothing but this letter.
You'll never understand even after this letter how much Christmas means to me. While my parents always gave us something to me it wasn't magical. I was nice, mainly because that day I wasn't gonna get a whippin and I could go a little crazy and know one would say anything when I was bounceing off the walls with my new toy.
But now that I am older and in years past I worked sometimes three jobs if I could not afford what your father asked Santa for not once in my life have I ever let anyone down for Christymas because it was the one moment I could travel back in time and give the present I always wanted to you. The pure joy you felt was special because I could see how I would have reacted so I lived through you as I did your father when he was your age.
Hopefully I'll still be here when you can understand this letter and next year it'll be as it was before.
To everyone, I am sorry. I know you understabnd, and even after I told you this morning that I can't afford presents this year, you just said "It's OK" and it's not a big deal.
To me it is a big deal because of what happened when I was a kid. As an old 54 year old I could understand why my ADHD drove my dad nuts... as a 7-year-old not so much. So while you see this Christmas as adults and knowing how hard and how much I gave to the site and all the years I worked to give you great presents I know in my heart you all understand and you'll give each other presents and not worry about not getting something from me because \ you'll be proud of the site.
But to me I look at the world through the eyes of that crying child sobbing in bed and to me there is no lgoic or reasoning there is only yes or no, Got it ot didn't get it, it's just how I am and I can explain to you a million times why or how I got this way but you could never understand what my heart feels.
In my world the only thing I know is it's 5:59 and Billy bob is walking to the house and he will look at the window and for the first time he won't see me lifting a finger telling him to wait while I go get his food. I can explain all I want to the cat about why at 6pm I wasn't there, but it still won't make me feel any better. I live in a black and white world and there is no gray area.
So when that clock hits 6pm and I am not home all I understand is I wasn't there to feed him, and this Christmas, while you will all swear "it's OK" all I know is there will not be a present from me to you.
I am so sorry
I love you all and Merry Christmas, Dad
I am not sure why i am writing this out in the open, all i know is I must because I wanted the world to know how much my family sacraficed for me and how I failed them.
To my family,
Safe to say you know how much I love animals and when I started Wildlife Planet it was more hobby than a job. But as I was writing my first pages you saw how it tore me up inside when I started reporting on places like Yulin and you knew if I ever went there I would never come back alive but, a whole bunch of those sick eating dog bastards would have been joining me.
Early this year after the place I was working shut down, I came to you and told you my plan to not go and get a new job, but to just work on Wildlife Planet and it would take time to get off the ground.
I told you I thought I could make some money with things like Adsense and Amazon ads and it won't be for awhile and it certainly won't be much because it would take time to build up an audience but it would be enough to keep us going.
Knowing me and how hard I work and more importantly knowing I would never rest when I am fixated on accomplising something everyone said it go for it, it wouldn't be a problem.
For years my family would see me each fall outside building shelters for any stray cats in the neiborhood, you joked how I installed heat in these little bungalows and they were warmer than our house.
You saw me rushing home because Billy Bob the stray cat always came around at 6pm sharp and I would be upset because it was 5:59 and I was still 10 minutes away.
So when I said I wanted to go all in on Wildlife Planet I didn't really have to explain why I was doing it, but you never signed up for being broke, or going without Christmas.
You would be shocked to know last night I cried my eyes out for probably the first time in 40 years. I cried because I knew you said it was Ok but my heart ached because I felt miserable that everyone works their ass off and I swore that by this time the site would be doing well and the ad money would pay a few bills and now it is clear that it took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I know you never thought we would be rich because I hate money and if I saw someone with an animal that needed some operation i would be paying the whole thing and you would smile and laugh and call me stupid but you would never be mad because you all understand it's not something I wanted to do rather I needed to do because helping someone in need was like breathing it's just something I do without even thinking.
To my children and grandchildren you may not understand why I didn't get you a present this year for Christmas and this won't explain anything today but as you grow up and read this it'll make more sense as to who I am, in case I am not here when you are old enough to understand.
My childhood was a mess, my father whom I loved very much, beat me almost everyday. It was a time when hitting your kids was normal, and it was way before any knew what ADD was, beyond the 2+2 meaning. Worse, I had ADHD and there is nothing worse than a 7 year old whose leg is bounceing like my sneaker had a spring attached to it.
Today I understand how mad it must have made my hot blooded Italian dad. Today I understand why he exploded when the water glasses started falling all over the dinner table because I was shaking the room and after telling me ten times to stop, the 11th time I got an ass whippin.
Your Great Grandfather told me just a few years ago "I am sorry I hit you" and I laughed because I told your great grand father that it was fine. In fact if I had to do it over I would because I told him you can't possibly understand how many lives you affected.
I told your great grandfather that as a child sobbing in bed after that nights beating I would be lying on my bed crying my eyes out, like any kid would be, but after every beating I swore I would never do this to my kid and I would never let anyone harm a women, a child or an animal. So my drive comes from always making good on that sobbing 7-year-old little boys promise.
I told your greart grandfather that if all those women I saved from a crazy boyfriend, or stepping in when I saw a father having the same look you did and knowing this father was about to give his son a slap, or the countless animals I built homes for or fed every night, if all those lives I saved or just help meant I had to go through a little pain as a kid, it was 100% worth it and I would do it all over again because in the end what you did, saved people and while it wasn't perfect and nobody would plan something like that in the end, however I got here it was all worth it.
But after all the explaining he couldn't see past "I hit my son and I am sorry"
I hope that explains where my passion comes from, it's in me and there is nothing I can do about it because I can't let that crying little boy down. I know it won't amount to anything now because as a child you see the world as I do a website vs a Christmas present and I really wanted to get you something for Christmas and I failed you and I failed myself because I should have just gotten a job but one day turned into the next and all of a sudden it's 2 weeks from Christmas and I have niothing but this letter.
You'll never understand even after this letter how much Christmas means to me. While my parents always gave us something to me it wasn't magical. I was nice, mainly because that day I wasn't gonna get a whippin and I could go a little crazy and know one would say anything when I was bounceing off the walls with my new toy.
But now that I am older and in years past I worked sometimes three jobs if I could not afford what your father asked Santa for not once in my life have I ever let anyone down for Christymas because it was the one moment I could travel back in time and give the present I always wanted to you. The pure joy you felt was special because I could see how I would have reacted so I lived through you as I did your father when he was your age.
Hopefully I'll still be here when you can understand this letter and next year it'll be as it was before.
To everyone, I am sorry. I know you understabnd, and even after I told you this morning that I can't afford presents this year, you just said "It's OK" and it's not a big deal.
To me it is a big deal because of what happened when I was a kid. As an old 54 year old I could understand why my ADHD drove my dad nuts... as a 7-year-old not so much. So while you see this Christmas as adults and knowing how hard and how much I gave to the site and all the years I worked to give you great presents I know in my heart you all understand and you'll give each other presents and not worry about not getting something from me because \ you'll be proud of the site.
But to me I look at the world through the eyes of that crying child sobbing in bed and to me there is no lgoic or reasoning there is only yes or no, Got it ot didn't get it, it's just how I am and I can explain to you a million times why or how I got this way but you could never understand what my heart feels.
In my world the only thing I know is it's 5:59 and Billy bob is walking to the house and he will look at the window and for the first time he won't see me lifting a finger telling him to wait while I go get his food. I can explain all I want to the cat about why at 6pm I wasn't there, but it still won't make me feel any better. I live in a black and white world and there is no gray area.
So when that clock hits 6pm and I am not home all I understand is I wasn't there to feed him, and this Christmas, while you will all swear "it's OK" all I know is there will not be a present from me to you.
I am so sorry
I love you all and Merry Christmas, Dad