By Dominick Mezzapesa - Wildlife Planet News
1. Evil Cat people do not exist until you slip the ring on her finger.
When you run out of things to say on a date, never, ever bring up cat cruelty unless you want to see her head explode and hear her go 'cat Crazy...CRAZY.'
We know it's out there and we know even dog loving people hate it, but, until you actually tie the knot, then the only thing you talk about on a dinner date is "Did you see that "Cat's who can't jump" You Tube video?
2. Don't you dare criticize her shopping
The quickest way to end your relationship with "Cat Lady" is to go food shopping with her. If you get roped into going to stop-n-Shop then distract yourself when she heads down the pet food aisle.
Cat food shopping for woman is like buying a bra. To men we think "Your a 34B here's one" My God, how foolish men are.
Get it into your thick dog loving head "Cat food buying is an art" and she will spend 20 minutes picking out each and every can for that particular 7 day period and weather, seasons and horoscopes, may sway her choices. Also get used to hearing "I am not sure what my cat want's anymore" You'll be tempted to say "It's a cat. just feed it anything" you might as well just castrate yourself because you'll not be having sex for a very long time.
3. Become "Cat man"
If you truly love her then give into the force. Like Luke Skywalker you cannot become a Jedi overnight. It will take you at least one week of YouTube cat compilations to know you are fully prepared for what lies ahead.
In fact YouTube makes it easy for you young Jedi. Simply watch one video and at the end of the video, YouTube will give you a whole selection of "Fat cats in small boxes" videos to choose from. Just simply keep clicking "Next" until your eyeballs start bleeding young Padawan.
4. When she says "I Love You" she is talking to the cat.. get over it.
If you took her out for a Saturday night of dinner and dancing, strolled along the beach holding hands, discussing the latest "Cat's who can't jump" viral video she may ask "Do you want to come over tonight"?
When you arrive your heart may leap as you hear "I love you" but get over it she's talking to the cats.
After the first "I love You" count to 30 if you don't hear another "I love you" then that one was for you. But you can put money down in that 30 seconds you'll hear those three magic words 20 times in tones ranging from Whimsical to all out "Forget that strange man on the couch... You're the only one in my life" tones.
5. Your fantasy is dead
If you had a fantasy about her wearing a tight fitting, silky black dress, then you better break up and start dating that "Crazy pug lady" down the block.
Black or any dark colored clothes is an absolute deal breaker. So in the middle of winter you better get use to having the same color palette choice as any tropical island resident.
6. She will always be a cat person.
Dog lovers can be converted, no matter how "Scientology" crazy you are, a dog lover can be give into the dark side. Cat people are just like those scientologist, they can't be converted or talked out of their craziness, no matter how much you try. So stop trying and embrace the insanity.
7. Cat nip to get you over a rough patch.
If, on occasion you had a little spat and roses just won't do, bring her a bag of catnip. Spread that magic elixir on the carpet and watch all the anger just melt away as her cat flips out like a fat guy who just won an "All you can eat" buffet at the local pancake house.
8. The Great Escape
If you met a crazy cat lady and she's on the wrong side of "Crazy" then saying these five little words "I am allergic To Cats" will prevent her from ever calling you again. It's what Kryptonite is to Superman.
You won't even have to feel badly about not calling her. If you said "I am allergic to cats" she will be staring at the phone thinking Please...Please...Please DON'T ring."
On the other hand, if you wan't to show her you truly love her, a dozen roses may do it, a ring, maybe a bit better but, nothing says I love you to the "Crazy Cat Lady" than saying "I am going to the Doctor to get an allergy prescription"
9. If one is good... Then FIVE are even better
Simply put... You can never have too many cats. So when she brings home that next feral cat she found wandering near her work, just remember in her mind "The more the merrier"
10. "Cat lady Tattoos"
It could be a thousand degrees out, with 99.9% humidity and she'll come out wearing a long sleeve sweater.
Part of being the "Crazy cat lady" is the fact that on more than one occasion she will have to cover the evidence of her having a great time with kitty. The more claw marks up and down her arm the more You tube compilation they watched in bed.
Like tattoos each mark will have it's own little story. So on those rare occasions when you have to break that awful "Moment of silence" just say "Wow, how did you get that scratch?" you won't have to say another word.... She'll talk for hours.
Now that we gave you the ten things you need to know you may wonder "Does she really love me?"
Well here is a list of momentous occasions in your relationship that you'll need to pass before you even start asking that question.
To help you start you on the road to crazy cat land here is your 1st Youtube video.